10
Marriage Firsts Every Newlywed Experiences
Part
1
We know you can’t wait for your wedding day to
arrive—envisioning the first time you see your groom, your first kiss after you
proclaim your vows and your first dance as husband and wife. Your transition to
newlyweds will be filled with more milestone "firsts" that will
strengthen your relationship. Here's how to prepare yourself for all the
celebrations (and challenges) that you'll face together down the road.
1. Your First Epic Fight
Why It’s Big
We're not talking about being snippy, here. This
is The First Big Fight, the one where you scream, slam doors, and even throw
some plates against the wall. You're angry, scared, and feel totally alone.
Fights like these can burst your newlywed bliss bubble—you're not in wedding
fantasyland anymore. You're in a full-out battle over something trivial, like
your husband dumping a skillet into the sink, covered with caked-on scrambled
eggs. But it's not really about the eggs: The fight is about pent-up
frustrations, including leftover wedding stress, money fears, and adjusting to
living together.
How to Deal
You've had arguments before, but you may have
noticed that this one felt different; more charged, somehow. Chalk it up to
being a learning fight, one where you're doing the good work of marriage,
learning how to argue more productively next time. Avoid red flags (phrases
like "you always" and "you never") and bringing up old
points of contention just to weaken your partner. Whatever you do, don't jump
in your car and speed away—testing him to see if he'll chase you—or launch into
round two when he's on the ropes. That old adage is true: People don't remember
what you said, but they'll always remember how you made them feel. Just go to
your separate spaces, unwind a little, then tell your partner you love him,
hate fighting, and you're sorry if you hurt him.
2. First Time Getting Together With Friends
After the Wedding
Why It’s Big
You're back to your normal, non-bridal self. You
have more socializing time now, so this is a good time to enhance your personal
life (and marriage) by spending time with close friends. Depending on your
inner circle, you might have a challenge on your hands if you're the first one
to get married. Pals might not know how to include you in their "going out
to flirt" nights, and angry single friends may even resent your happiness.
Friendships may shift with this big change in your life—your relationship
dynamic may never be the same as it was pre-wedding.
How to Deal
Accept that your marriage might be a strange
first for your circle of friends. Some of them may feel their
married-by-30-clock ticking, or become bitter that you have "the perfect
life." The truest of friends just need to see that you haven't completely
changed and your happiness isn't a threat to them. So when you're invited to
girls' night out, show up, even if you're tempted to blow it off. If you make
time for friends, you show them that they're still important. Don't talk
nonstop about how amazing your wedding was or tell single friends "your
time will come." Things have been all about you for a while, so make an
effort to be a good listener and supporter. This applies to social occasions
with your husband's pals, too: Try to be cheerful, even if you're nervous.
Smiles and compliments go a long way!
3. First Major Purchase Buying a House
Why It’s Big
Whether it's a house, car, or remodeling your
kitchen, this is the first time you're pairing up on a big purchase. Your
partner may be more acquainted with the details, there's unexpected information
involved, and your credit score/financial standing comes into play. Yikes!
How to Deal
Before you begin a huge project, you both have
to be 100 percent open about your financial position — whether or not you can
afford this right now, if you have good credit or bad and if you feel like
making this investment right now. You might like to charge full-steam ahead
with new projects, while your husband may be more slow and methodical.
Compromise and you'll get a crash course in budgeting and working together
towards a shared goal. Although this sounds unpleasant, tasks like painting a
room, picking out stainless steel appliances and applying for a variance of
property codes can actually be fun. You're creating a home together, after all.
Another perk: You may get to impress your spouse with something he never knew you
were good at and vice versa, as life takes you into new adventures.
4.First Time You’re Asked, “So When Are You Having a Baby?”
Why It’s Big
Depending on who this comment is from, you'll have different reactions. If it's from your best friend, who's blissed-out with her own newborn, you won't take offense. If it's a comment from your great-aunt, who had her first baby when she was 20 years old, it's just a generational thing. If the comment is from a competitive coworker or sibling, things can get tense pretty quickly.
How to Deal
Think of the baby chatter as them wishing you a happy blessing, and a compliment that this person thinks you'd be great parents. Don't make it a problem by overreacting to the topic itself, assigning all kinds of pressures and judgments that reflect how you feel about having a baby. It's a common mistake for newlyweds to interpret too much from these kinds of comments. Just say, "We're not quite there yet, but you'll know very soon after we do!" Then, move on to the next subject.
5. First In-Law Issue
Why It’s Big
In a perfect world, the in-laws can see how awesome you are, but some brides get stuck in a position where their in-laws just don't like them, or on the flip side, their family just doesn't like the groom. Maybe it was a bad first impression, they favor your partner's ex (ouch!) or just have other issues. Whatever the cause, you keep getting hurt by their nasty comments and eye rolling whenever you speak. You want your groom to take your side...or at least defend you. This is one of those toxic tensions you have to deal with right away, before it gets worse.
How to Deal
Your husband is used to his family's flaws: He's learned how to tune out Mom's criticisms, Dad's elitism his sister's jealousy. And he just wants you to let their comments roll off your back too. If you stand up for yourself when they strike at you, your spouse may get angry with you for being too sensitive, not respecting them, and so on. Avoiding family parties and dinners also won't work—that's what mean people want, to divide and conquer. After the conflict clears, explain to him that you want to have a close relationship with his family because they're important to him and you need his help making that happen. Ask him for shared topics of interest you can use to bond with them and ask if you can say a quick hello when they call to speak with him. They may still act snotty, but he'll love you for trying! Consider it a gift to him to be cordial when you're with his family. Even if it takes years, your relationship with them may very well grow...or not. But at least you've kept them from driving a wedge between the two of you.
Credit goes to Author
Sharon Naylor
While you and your family are relaxing and enjoying your ceremony, your coordinator is still making things work behind the scenes. In addition to making sure the cocktail hour is set up for guests for after the ceremony, making sure the reception space is fully decorated and the vendors are in place there awaiting your grand entrance as the newlyweds; a great coordinator will have a time line coordinating when dinner will be served, first dance , toasts, cake cutting, garter and bouquet toss and all of the other special events you want to take place during your special day leading up to your grand exit. The best coordinators are the first to arrive and the last to leave, making sure every step in between is carefully and successfully coordinated.
